Your Order Has Shipped...Again
Today I woke up to four words that put a deep icy fear into my very core and no, they are not your COVID TEST IS POSITIVE. They are YOUR ORDER HAS SHIPPED. I ask myself the same thing I ask myself every time my phone rings…NOW WHAT? I must get up and prepare for what is about to happen at my front door. I push myself out of bed, and head to my closet only to realize I don’t have to get dressed— I’m already wearing clothes. When did I put these on? Oh that’s right. I wanted to have a clean shirt on for the zoom seder. Or wait, are these pajamas? These pants don’t have a zipper. They are soft. There appears to be a little dried mustard on them. I love these pants.
Okay, quarantine has taken a toll on us all, and I am no exception. Basically, I go to bed every night around 7:45 after a dinner that consists of expired pasta from those boxes at the very back of the highest shelf in the cabinet that for all I know may have been left here by the people who built this house in 1957. Sometimes I throw a hunk of chicken in. No I don’t use the instapot. I mean I did for the first few weeks. The first few weeks dinner time around here was like Barefoot Contessa episodes, minus the sprawling grounds, the restaurant equipped kitchen and the bread. How great to have time to focus on my culinary skills! I would be like, “Michael! Wait until you taste this beef bourguinon I made in the instapot! It only took like three minutes!” And I would bring it to him in a beautiful bowl garnished with parsley.
Then it was like, “Michael, wait until you taste this hamburger casserole I made in the instapot! It only took like three minutes!” And I would serve it to him on a big dinner plate, garnished with a little bit of paprika.
Now it’s like, “Michael. There’s some macaroni and chicken in the microwave. I think I micro’ed it long enough to remove the salmonella. Help yourself.”
Anyway, after dinner I hit the sack. And then at roughly 3:47 AM I wake up ready to start the day. And I lie there for a bit and then start talking to myself. Don’t be so negative I tell myself. This is a gift I tell myself. Time to discover your inner creativity. Do the things you always wanted to do but couldn’t because you had Pilates twice a week.
So far I’ve taken up paper collage, essential oil making and cartography. At 3:47 I definitely see myself having a very successful line of essential oils for guinea pigs. It’s all coming together for me now. My calling has arrived. Thus the daily deliveries.
I think I’ve followed the CDC guidelines pretty well. I try to remember to wear a mask when I walk out the door. In fact, the other day I stepped outside in my mask with Reuben to take our usual walk. From across the street I spotted another human soul also wearing a mask. Most of her face was covered but I could tell from the eyes it was definitely someone who has not been living in my house for the last six weeks. I was overcome with joy! “Hello!” I yelled to her. “I like cheese!”
She continued on her way, at a pretty fast clip actually, but it felt good to know that I still have the gift for socializing, that when this finally ends and I’m sitting at a bar, I can still turn to the person next to me and make interesting, relevant conversation.
I’ve read where some people have compared the stay at home order to being in jail. That got me thinking, how in movies the prisoner goes into prison fat and then out of boredom works out every day, gets in crazy good shape and then leaves prison with a great body and a law degree which they got online during their library hours. This is the perfect time for me to get this bod ready for summer! Focus on losing that baby weight I gained 26 years ago. But then I think, yeah but they have professional equipment in jails, you know like real weights and stuff. Doesn’t really pertain to me.
Anyway, as we wait for phase one openings, I will proceed as directed by my dear friend and almost husband Dr. Tony F. Today I am donning my mask and venturing to the grocery store where I will wander the empty toilet paper aisle and dream of one day finding a pack of Northern. Maybe I’ll even put on my denim capris pants! The ones with the cute flower on the pocket! Make a day of it!
No, don’t be a hero I tell myself. It’s a pandemic. And thank goodness, so far, my fat pants still fit over my pajamas. #winning #majorvictory #goingforglory
Stay safe my friends.